I despised my reflection. I looked awful and had no idea how I managed to get to that place. Now, I'm nowhere near being overweight and my BMI sits in the healthy spectrum, but I know in myself I wasn't healthy and I didn't feel good.
So I spent all night sobbing. And with a lot of encouragement from my boyfriend, when I woke up the next morning I committed to a lifestyle change.
I don't like the word 'diet'. It has such negative connotations and I think getting wrapped up in it would make me fail. So I downloaded My Fitness Pal and put in all my details which told me to have 1200 calories a day, I joined some Facebook groups (which are amazing - so supportive and motivating! I will link them at the end), I bought a copy of Women's Health, did some online research and did a good food shop.
I live at home so eating rubbish things is too easy but everyone at home was on holiday for two weeks so I did the food shop and I was very well behaved. I made a list and planned my meals ahead so I knew what I needed. I've never been a salad/vegetable eater. I don't enjoy it. Give me cheese and potatoes any day! But I bought salad and foods and dressing to make it taste better!
Being on my own for the two weeks also made it easier as I didn't have to announce I was doing this change. I have been nervous to tell people as I've never done anything like this and I do get comments about what I do or don't choose to eat and I hate it. I makes me very self conscious and having had eating problems in the past, it just brings back memories and feelings that I'd rather avoid.
Last year I saw Caitlin Moran at her book launch for 'Moranifesto' and she read a piece from it which was a letter to teenage girls. In it she says to treat yourself like you would your own child. You wouldn't starve your child as much as you wouldn't feed it just junk food. You would feed it healthy foods, make sure it was well and you wouldn't deprive it of treats. So that is what I'm doing. And I shouldn't be afraid to say this is what I'm doing for myself.
Caitlin's letter - please watch!
I'm eating my 3 meals everyday full of good things and I don't get left feeling hungry. I have healthy snacks and plenty of water, but if I want a chocolate bar than god damn I am going to have one!
A general food day
Breakfast: Bowl of Special K - sometimes with milk, sometimes Greek yoghurt
Mid morning snack: Apple or some kind of low calorie breakfast bar. I don't always have a snack
Dinner: Salad of spinach and rocket with either chicken, turkey or tuna, caesar dressing. Sometimes add in a boiled egg or too and sprinkle on some chia seeds. Will also sometimes have an apple if I didn't in the morning!
Tea: Chicken breast with pesto and spinach and side of brown rice
Snack: Low calorie yoghurt
I have managed to stick to the 1200 calories perfectly well and I am seeing the number on the scale drop slowly. I find My Fitness Pal amazing. It seems a bit time consuming to begin with logging everything but I enjoy seeing the breakdown of everything I enter in and it just makes it easy to see what calories you have left. It also tracks the steps you do each day and that ends up giving you calories back, if you need a little extra!
I am going to eventually start incorporating working out in to this lifestyle change but I have a lot of confidence barriers to break through there.
But I CAN DO IT.
In all, I am feeling good and supported and I'm motivated and I'm happy I finally did something about what has been making me hate myself.
I'm proud of myself.
Little side note: I have signed up to the Manchester Memory Walk in aid of Alzheimer's Society. My grandad passed away last week after a very long battle with the disease so I just wanted to do a little something. My Just Giving page is HERE if you would like more information and are able to donate a couple of quid I would be so grateful. I have hit my £250 target already but now I just want to smash it!
Low Calorie Meal Ideas
Carly Rowena - #GetGorgeous
Instagrams I like to follow
My Pinterest 'healthy' board